This is a tongue-in-cheek commentary on recent "highest ever" exam results in Britain.
The latest GCSE results prove once again that Britain has miraculously become the Brainiac of the international community, claims the Department of Education after recent astounding GCSE results.
"It is now three years" said an Education spokesperson, "Since any child failed a GCSE exam at either ordinary or advanced levels. And this year every child achieved straight A’s in every subject despite our lowering the entrance age to five and seven years respectively."
"What makes this achievement all the more remarkable," said Education Minister, Brian Fiddle," is that it was achieved without any improvement in teaching standards. All the evidence points to the probability that were are witnessing a miracle or at least a paranormal event on a monumental scale and it is all thanks to this Labour government."
A case in point is sixth-former Tracey Passemall from the Our Lady of the Enormous Brain Community College in Devizes, Wilts, who achieved twenty seven grade A passes at advanced level in subjects that included the History of Pants, Text Messaging and Nail Painting, despite being severely handicapped.
"Tracey cannot write," her mother explained, "not even her own name. She has had this handicap since birth. We believe her famous great, great, great, great grandfather Silus Dimm, renowned for being the last of the country’s professional scarecrows, suffered the same problem and that the illiteracy gene may have skipped six or seven generations before Tracey was stricken by it. Luckily most of her friends suffer from the same malady so she was never made to feel different from any other British teenager. However, imagine our joy and amazement, not to mention skepticism, when she achieved all those straight As!"
Said her proud father, Prince: "We think the use of multiple-choice questions requiring that she only tick boxes helped enormously - and the fact that many of the questions had only one answer to choose from. We think it is fantastic that our government cares so much about today’s kids and not hurting their feelings that it has taken all intellectual effort out of passing exams. Now our Tracey has a very good chance of getting that supermarket checkout job she always dreamed about.
Detractors however accuse the government of "dumbing down" education standards so that it can "get lots of passes and make itself look like it is doing something."
The education minister retorts: "Well, clearly we are doing something! We have completely re-vamped the exam system for one, so that every child in the land can be brainy regardless of IQ, knowledge or even awareness of their surroundings. Britain, thanks to this government’s revolutionary approach to education, now has ten times as many A level passes as France has Baccalauriat passes, which proves conclusively that Britain has a smarter government than France, the ability of the French to read and do mathematics notwithstanding."
Leaping to the defence of his government’s record in education, the Prime Minister said, "This dumbing down accusation is born of envy. We have not dumbed down British Education, merely made educational success more accessible without placing pressure to achieve on either kids or teachers."
Further revolutionary changes are on the way. A leaked report indicates that the government is taking a leaf out of the Nobel Prize Committee’s book and examining proposals to make awards on the basis of promises rather than achievement or actions. These proposals, it claims, will slash education costs for one.
In future children will be awarded A Levels if they promise to be intelligent. Drivers will be awarded licenses if they sign a written undertaking to drive properly and the new IQ test will be released next year.
The IQ test has been reworked to align it with new educational standards and will end the contradiction of people who score 80 IQ walking away with thirty GCSEs. Revised questions will make it possible for everyone to have a genius level IQ.
Here, in closing, are some samples of the new IQ questions:
1) Which is the odd one out? a) a rabbit b) another rabbit c.) not a rabbit?
2) A snail, a greyhound and a cruise missile all leave Euston at noon, which will arrive in Birmingahm first? a ) the snail or b) the cruise missile?
3) What number is missing from the sequence 1?,3,4,5. a) 2 b) 12 c) 103?
"It is now three years" said an Education spokesperson, "Since any child failed a GCSE exam at either ordinary or advanced levels. And this year every child achieved straight A’s in every subject despite our lowering the entrance age to five and seven years respectively."
"What makes this achievement all the more remarkable," said Education Minister, Brian Fiddle," is that it was achieved without any improvement in teaching standards. All the evidence points to the probability that were are witnessing a miracle or at least a paranormal event on a monumental scale and it is all thanks to this Labour government."
A case in point is sixth-former Tracey Passemall from the Our Lady of the Enormous Brain Community College in Devizes, Wilts, who achieved twenty seven grade A passes at advanced level in subjects that included the History of Pants, Text Messaging and Nail Painting, despite being severely handicapped.
"Tracey cannot write," her mother explained, "not even her own name. She has had this handicap since birth. We believe her famous great, great, great, great grandfather Silus Dimm, renowned for being the last of the country’s professional scarecrows, suffered the same problem and that the illiteracy gene may have skipped six or seven generations before Tracey was stricken by it. Luckily most of her friends suffer from the same malady so she was never made to feel different from any other British teenager. However, imagine our joy and amazement, not to mention skepticism, when she achieved all those straight As!"
Said her proud father, Prince: "We think the use of multiple-choice questions requiring that she only tick boxes helped enormously - and the fact that many of the questions had only one answer to choose from. We think it is fantastic that our government cares so much about today’s kids and not hurting their feelings that it has taken all intellectual effort out of passing exams. Now our Tracey has a very good chance of getting that supermarket checkout job she always dreamed about.
Detractors however accuse the government of "dumbing down" education standards so that it can "get lots of passes and make itself look like it is doing something."
The education minister retorts: "Well, clearly we are doing something! We have completely re-vamped the exam system for one, so that every child in the land can be brainy regardless of IQ, knowledge or even awareness of their surroundings. Britain, thanks to this government’s revolutionary approach to education, now has ten times as many A level passes as France has Baccalauriat passes, which proves conclusively that Britain has a smarter government than France, the ability of the French to read and do mathematics notwithstanding."
Leaping to the defence of his government’s record in education, the Prime Minister said, "This dumbing down accusation is born of envy. We have not dumbed down British Education, merely made educational success more accessible without placing pressure to achieve on either kids or teachers."
Further revolutionary changes are on the way. A leaked report indicates that the government is taking a leaf out of the Nobel Prize Committee’s book and examining proposals to make awards on the basis of promises rather than achievement or actions. These proposals, it claims, will slash education costs for one.
In future children will be awarded A Levels if they promise to be intelligent. Drivers will be awarded licenses if they sign a written undertaking to drive properly and the new IQ test will be released next year.
The IQ test has been reworked to align it with new educational standards and will end the contradiction of people who score 80 IQ walking away with thirty GCSEs. Revised questions will make it possible for everyone to have a genius level IQ.
Here, in closing, are some samples of the new IQ questions:
1) Which is the odd one out? a) a rabbit b) another rabbit c.) not a rabbit?
2) A snail, a greyhound and a cruise missile all leave Euston at noon, which will arrive in Birmingahm first? a ) the snail or b) the cruise missile?
3) What number is missing from the sequence 1?,3,4,5. a) 2 b) 12 c) 103?
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